Little Snow White
by Sam Mellor
Summary: The original plot of the Grimm Bother's story


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Little Snow White

Once upon a time, in the middle of winter, when the flakes were falling from the sky, a woman went to the doctor about her dandruff. She pricked her finger and the blood fell to the floor and seeped into the carpet. "What a mess," she thought. But then she became quite taken with the sight, (or maybe it was the blood-loss talking) and said: "Oh, if only I had a child, who was white as dandruff, red as blood, and black as… black as…" She looked around. Next to her was a small cupboard, which happened to be black. "As Black as this CUPBOARD!" she proclaimed. The doctor asked her to leave.

After that, the queen died, (because of the dandruff problem) and the doctor, awash with guilt, took his own life. And so several years passed. But Snow White was growing up… wait a minute. Oh, right. Before the Queen died she had a baby. Who was black, white and red all over. "A NEWSPAPER!" the King proclaimed. But he was wrong, it was a baby. She was called "Little Snow White," but no one really knew why. Better than "Little Dandruff White" I suppose.

The King took to himself. "Oh, how gorgeous I am!" he thought. "Surely, someone as gob-smackingly gorgeous as I should have a wife!" So he did. The New Queen was taller than the old one, and also more evil. This was very useful when the king needed to reach a book on a high shelf. Particularly, an evil book. She had many of these aforementioned evil books, and would read them, on her days off, to save time. On her days on, she would look in a mirror. "Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who is the fairest of them all?" she would ask the mirror. The mirror never answered, so she took it back to the shop and asked for a better one. Six to eight weeks later, it arrived. So she tried again. "Mirror, mirror, on the wall…" she had to stop, at this point, because the mirror was on the dining room table. So she put it on the wall and tried again. "Ahem. Mirror mirror on the wall, (that's better) who's the fairest of them all." "You," replied the mirror. The queen was satisfied, because she could finally do something else, like dusting the linen, or reaching evil books for the king.

But Snow White was (still) growing up. And as she grew, her head hit the ceiling. And so she moved into a bigger room. But she was also growing more beautiful, which was not hard, considering she had hereto looked like a bit of dandruff. One day the (evil) stepmother saw Snow White and asked, "What are you doing here, Snow White? Don't you usually sleep in the dog kennel?" "Oh, (step)mother, I'm not a dog any longer, I'm a beautiful woman! Woof, woof!" The evil step(mother) was shocked by this, and ran to her mirror, which stayed right where it was and asked "Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who is the fairest of them all?" "Snow White," said the stepmother, not realising they'd got it the wrong way around. Three days later she worked it out, so she tried again. "Her." said the mirror, smiling, as only an ornate golden frame with a piece of shiny glass can do. The Queen was shocked, and she turned green and yellow with envy. "A PINEAPPLE!" the king proclaimed. But he was wrong, again.

The Queen was embarrassed. Then, she was angry. It took her three months to decide precisely how she felt, and by then Snow White had already grown up, married a prince, and moved out. "Damn!" said the Queen, and wished that hadn't happened. And so it didn't. She called a husband to her, and said "Take Snow White into the forest, and let her pick flowers. Then stab her, and take her flowers OFF her. Then bring the flowers back to me, as a token." "But I don't want to kill my daughter!" the husband said.

And so a year later the huntsman took Snow White into the forest, and let her pick flowers. Then, when she had a good bunch together, the huntsman stabbed her. "Ow! Don't do that!" said Snow White. The huntsman took pity on her. "Run away, little girl. Your stepmother wants to turn you into a HAT!" he said, adding some creative touches of his own. "Run away, into the woods, and never come back. Not even once, just for a lark." He stabbed her again, but as it didn't work, he let her go. As a young bear just then came by, he ignored it, and it wandered off, feeling useless. Then, cunningly, he picked some flowers to give to the Queen. "How Lovely," said the Queen, and put them in a vase.

Be that as it may, Snow White ran on through the forest. She was so scared she screamed. A lot. It was quite ridiculous. Then she fell down a deep and (almost) bottomless pit, and (almost) broke her neck. After (almost) a month she healed, and found a small bottle labelled: "Drink Me." So, being a stupid girl, she ate the bottle, and was immediately transported to a small cottage. She was rather shocked, and wondered what would have happened if she had drunk it.

The cottage was small, but was cleaner than could be told. Oh, all right. It was really clean. There were seven little beds against the wall, and seven chairs at the table. "I wonder how many people live here?" said Snow White, who wasn't feeling very good after her little snack. She decided to have a look around. At the table there were seven cushions on the seven chairs, and seven knives on all seven plates. "But that's… forty-nine… that means… they have seven hands each!" Snow White began to get scared. She was so scared that she climbed into one of the seven beds, and pulled the seven sheets over her seven heads. But the first bed was too small, and the second was also too small, and the third to the sixth were also too small. "Hmm. I sense a pattern emerging." So she cut to the chase and leaped in the end one. Which was a desk. So she tried the last bed instead and that was just right. Well, actually, it wasn't perfect, in fact it was downright dreadful but she'd run out of beds, and had no choice but to say it was "just right." Which she did. "It is just right," she said, and duty done, she fell asleep.

But soon the owners of the house came home. Snow White was woken by the sound of the seven door bells ringing merrily. The door opened and in came the seven dwarfs. It was still dark inside, and so there was much bumping around and crashing into things, and cries of "Ow, that was my foot!" and "Where's the light?" and other such hilarious exclamations. This continued for some time until one of the dwarfs managed to set the house on fire. Then they could see what was happening, which was that the house was on fire. They ran about at a more rapid speed, then ran outside to find some water. After they'd had a good long drink, they put the fire out.

Then looking around they noticed the house was a terrible mess. They noticed that their beds had been tampered with, and one of them had something in it. "Who's been eating at my table?" asked one. "Who's been drinking from my chair?" asked the second. "Who's been wearing my shoes?" asked the third, but realised that it was him. And so on, down the line. "Who's been sleeping in my bed?" asked the sixth. "Someone's been sleeping in my bed and they're still here!" cried the seventh, feeling he'd got the better deal.

"Who are you?" asked the Dwarfs, in chorus. "I'm… uh… Snow White!" said she, relieved to see that they did not after all have seven arms each. "Oh heavens!" they cried in counterpoint. "Get out of our house!" one of them cried in a dramatic solo. They advanced towards her, and Snow White thought that they wanted to kill her. Well, they did. But luckily, in her terror Snow White held up her flowers. They were battered, yes, and bruised, having been dragged through seven beds, and a desk. But the dwarfs, who had very bad taste, thought they were delicious. And so they invited Snow White to dinner. She accepted, which was nice of her. The dwarfs prepared a extra place for her. It was a gorgeous evening, and the dwarfs cottage was filled with golden candlelight. The table, festooned with a snow white tablecloth, and matching napkins, was beautifully laid out, with it's beautiful gold rimmed crockery and on each plate was a beautiful silver spoon. It was quite hard for Snow White to swallow, but she managed it, and was met by shocked stares from the dwarfs. "Do you do this a lot?" asked the dwarfs. "You've no idea," said Snow White, remembering the little glass bottle. "So," she asked, "Why is it that you ring your own doorbells before you enter?" The dwarfs exchanged glances. One of the dwarfs beckoned her into a dark corner of the room. He whispered into her ear: "We don't talk about it." Snow White understood. Or thought she did.

After their meal, they went to bed. Snow White slept in one, while the seventh slept with his companions, one hour each, and so managed to piss them off considerably. 

It was about now that the three bears came home. They looked at the beds suspiciously. "Someone's been sleeping in my three beds," said the Papa bear. "Someone's been sleeping in my three beds," said the Mama bear. "I've only got one bed," wailed the little bear. "There's three disgusting old dwarfs in my beds!" said the Papa bear. "There's _four_ in my beds!" said the Mama Bear. "There's only one over here, but it's much prettier," said the little bear. "Yes, I've always thought your bed was nice," said the Papa bear. "NOT THE BED!" screamed the baby bear. "We can make rissoles!" said the Mama bear, who was very practically minded. So they rolled up their little rissoles and tried them. "This one tastes a bit grumpy," said Papa bear. "This one tastes happy!" said Mama bear. "This ones quite bashful," said Papa bear. "Oh dear, I think I need a Doc," said Mama bear. And she did.

The next morning the dwarfs awoke. Snow White awoke too, after having a terrible nightmare about being a rissole. She was quite startled to see the dwarves standing there (in the nude), and asked who they were. "Don't you remember?" "No," said Snow White, and proceeded to tell her life story. When she was done the dwarfs said "You poor girl. If you will clean our dishes, and make our beds, and find us some clothes…" Here they exchanged glances, or tried not to. "Then you may stay." "Oh," said Snow White, crestfallen, trying to think of a way out. But she couldn't so she stayed with them.

The queen was not having a good day. The king had long been in mourning for the death of his daughter, until today, when he was eaten by the passing bear that the huntsman had neglected to kill. This, understandably, annoyed the queen considerably. To cheer herself up, she went to her mirror to boost her morale, and asked what she hoped to be a very obvious and sucky question.

"Am I still gorgeous?"

"Yes."

"The MOST gorgeous?"

"No."

"What! Who?"

"Her."

"Her?"

"Yes."

"Snow White!!!"

"Yes."

"But, I… why?"

"Because."

"Ah! _Two_ syllables." said the Queen, and was satisfied. Then she realised. She was astounded, for she knew the mirror always spoke the truth (and in one syllable).

"She's still alive?"

"Yes."

"Where?"

"There."

"Oh, I'll find her myself," said the Queen. She called her huntsman to her. "EEK! A spider!" she yelled, and leapt upon the table. Next time, she thought, she'd be more careful. 

So she sat and thought and thought about how to best to remove Snow White from the equation, and finally decided upon subtraction, or possibly even division. So she made a poison comb. She was a little unsure how to get the poison in the comb, so she sat down and began to think. [*The following chapters have been removed due to their scientific and boring nature: 4 – 6, 7b, 14, parts of _Rumpelstiltskin_*] "At last!" cackled the queen. "I've done it! I have made a comb sooooo poisonous and soooo beautiful, that Snow White will never be able to resist it's deadly charms! And to think it only needed three litres of my own blood!" Then she fainted.

When she awoke she crept into the town and stole a set of rags and a wig from an old peddler's house. These she used to disguise herself as an old (but still strikingly attractive) peddler woman. Then she went out on the town. (Strange woman…)

Meanwhile, Snow White was looking for the cat. "Here, cat cat cat: pussypussypussypussy. Wheresapussycatmilkrunbacknowpussywhereyounow? PUSSY, PUSSY!" But then she remembered the seven dwarfs didn't have a cat. "Well, shucks, that was embarrassing," she said, and turned bright pink. But then she saw an old peddler woman approaching up the hill through the wall (??). "Pussy?" she asked hesitantly. "Oh, meow, meow," said the peddler woman. "Oh good!" said Snow White and fetched a bowl of milk. "I'm not actually a cat," said the peddler. "Woof, woof…" "Oh," said Snow White, and turned another humorous colour. "What do you want?" "A bone." And then Snow White patted the peddler woman on the head, fed her lots of cheese and sent her on her way with her boot.

But soon she saw another peddler woman, coming up the hill through the wall under the garden. "Oh dwarf stew!" Snow White cried. "I'm _completely_ out of cheese!" So she hid in the upstairs lavender cupboard. "Knock, knock!" said the peddler. "Is anyone home?" said the door knocker. The peddler waited and waited, but Snow White never came down again. "Oh, oh!" cried the Queen, (for it was she, as if you didn't know that). "I think I shall put on some of my lovely poison… ahem. My poison… Oh, oh! I think I shall some on put… Romeo, Romeo…" The queen got off her bicycle, took a deep breath, and tried again. "I think I shall put on some of my lovely yet affordable **_lace_**!" She felt quite proud to have satisfactorily completed that sentence.

In her little lavender cupboard, upon hearing the word 'lace', (eventually) Snow White's ears perked up so much that there was no room left in the cupboard, so she had to climb out. She opened the door, put her feet on the floor, and walked off. Downstairs she opened the front door and saw the peddler woman who was really the Queen. "Hello" said Snow White, who was still Snow White at the moment. "I haven't any cheese." "Oh," said the Queen, and pulled a face. "Ouch!" said Snow White. "Would like to buy some lace?" said the Queen. "Yes!" said Snow White, trying to get the story moving. "Good!" said the Queen, wondering what she would have done if Snow White had said no. So she gave Snow White a piece of lace, just to please her. Snow White said "Thank you," but had no idea what for. "My dear girl! You look such a pig!" the peddler queen said. Snow White looked down. There _were_ bits of lavender clinging to her dress, but she thought they had a certain charm. "It's a good thing I didn't hide in the dog turd cupboard."

The queen secretly planned to tie the lace so tight that Snow White would be unable to breathe, which was a fairly stupid plan but the only one she had, so, oh well, here we go. She looped the lace around Snow White, then tugged and tugged, trying to crush her. "Yes, that looks quite lovely," said Snow White. "No, it needs to be tighter!" exclaimed the queen, and tugged at the lace harder still. "You're pulling very tight, your hands are going to be_ lace_rated!" said Snow White, and chuckled at her little joke. But she wasn't chuckling for long (only about ten minutes), especially when the peddler queen dragged her upstairs, tied the lace to the window sill and tossed Snow White out. "Now I am the most beautiful! Or I will be once I get out of these clothes," said the Queen and ran off. Cackling evilly.

But fortunately, it was almost evening when the dwarfs came home, so Snow White had a good long dangle. The dwarves marched home. (Not singing. They hated singing). They reached their front door and rang the eight door bells. Eight? They looked at the eighth doorbell and realized it was Snow White! "She makes quite a good door bell…" The dwarfs got her down and took her into the house, because it was a Sunday. They unlaced her and were quite surprised in general. She wasn't exactly completely unsurprised herself. "Where am I?" she said, as it was her stock revival line. The dwarfs ignored her question because it was bleeding obvious. Instead, they cautioned her not to speak to the wicked queen if it was at all possible, but unfortunately it wasn't.

Meanwhile, the Queen had just returned to the castle, and was just putting the cat out (of its misery) when she was accosted by a nude, bald peddler woman who was not, to put too fine a point on it, in a pleasant mood. So the Queen gave her back her clothes and ordered her [to?] head off. She asked the glass if she was now the fairest. "Glug, glug," said the glass. "Hmm… I'm – But surely… No, I want a second opinion." So she asked the mirror instead, who told her the unpleasant news. "You mean I have to wait for her to decompose??!!!," said the Queen, and was so angry she burnt the castle to the ground. "Whoops," said the Queen and rebuilt it. "No," said the mirror. Then he told the Queen of Snow White's revival, and also her intention to invest in dwarf shares. The Queen fumed and opened a window. "What a lovely view," she said and then went back to fuming. 

Then she had an idea. A completely new, original and strangely logical idea. One that her step-brother, Harold, who lived in the ancient kingdom of Moravia, and who was an inventor, would not even ever have thought her of her thought. Not even once. Or twice. "I _hate_ Harold," she said, bitterly. 

So she went downstairs and made a poison comb. It took her quite a long time to make it and… "Haven't I done this before…" said the Queen, idea-gradually-dawning-on-her-like. "Oh, well,… Breakfast!" So she disguised herself as another peddler woman. A completely different one. And set off under a dark cloud of inner turmoil, emotional immaturity and vain fantasies, and had to pop back for an umbrella.

When she reached the house of the seven dwarfs, she knocked on the door and the hid, because the dwarfs hadn't left for work yet. "Damn pranksters," said the dwarf who had opened the door. "Hear here," said the dwarf who hadn't, "did you see that old peddler woman duck behind that bush?" "No," said Snow White, so, ironically, she sealed her own fate in an envelope of doom and set it on the mantelpiece of unfulfilled dreams, next to the clock. Anyway, the upshot of all this is, the dwarfs left for work. 

The Queen crept up to the door and knocked on it, before it could run away. Snow White was bewildered. "Why doesn't she use the bell?" she asked to herself. Herself didn't know though so she just had to push on, climb every mountain, and fulfill ever dream except those that weren't hers. She opened the door and quickly shut it again. "It's cold." The dwarfs had warned her about cold days so she went and put on a pair of extra thick socks. They had also reminded her about the evil Queen. "Hello, my dear," said the Queen, through the codpiece hole over the left front wall fixture. "Hello, Mr. Wall," said Snow White, who was very creative as well as forgetful of certain important things that dwarfs warn her of. "No," said the Queen. "Hello?! Snow White! OUT HERE!" "Oh, hello," said Snow White, completely forgetting what the dwarfs had told her, which was all right, because the Queen completely forgot about her poisoned comb. They got on famously and had a merry old chin-wag, until the Queen dislocated her jaw. She apologized (sort of) and promised to come back the next day, but before she left, Snow White told her about the shocking murder of the three bears by small girl with large axe, and how the police were _combing_ the area for the head(s). 

"What was that?" said the Queen. 

"I said _combing_ the area, you know, like a _comb_, you use it in your _hair_." 

"I still don't follow you," said the Queen. But then something clicked (it was her jaw clicking back into place). "I'm supposed to KILL you!" she screamed, triumphantly.

"Pardon?"

"I mean, I'm supposed to THRILL you…"

"Oh…"

Silence.

"Well, go ahead then."

"Well, I do have this _comb_!" said the Queen, withdrawing it from her bank account. 

"Oh, gimme gimme gimme," said Snow White. The Queen gave her the comb and said, "Oh, you do look ugly – hang on, have I got these pants on the right way…" She checked. "Yes, yes I have." So she combed Snow White's hair but the minute the comb touched Snow White's scalp, she fell down a manhole, as if dead. "Finally!" said the Queen and left, because it made sense.

The seven dwarfs woke up the next morning, to find Snow White lying on the floor. "That's a funny place to sleep," they said, thoughtlessly over breakfast. "No, I think she's dead," said one of the dwarfs, over a beef and ham watermelon. "Funny we didn't notice that last night really," said one of the other dwarfs as the other other one didn't ask and answer his own exclamations. Or not. Anyway, the dwarfs rushed home, to find Snow White still dead, as expected, on the floor. "Yep, she's dead all right," said one dwarf. "Either that or she sleeps mighty still; stiller than a horse with the plague," said two dwarfs. "Yep," said portions of the others. "She's stiller than a snake with a concrete shoe." "Sure is," said other other dwarfs. "Stiller than a cactus that don't move. Yee-ha!" 

Then they searched Snow White and found the comb. They removed the comb and instantly Snow White awoke from her barnyard slumber. "Where am I?" she asked again, and the dwarfs answered her. 

Anyway, the dwarfs warned her and so forth and the Queen asked the mirror stuff as usual and the mirror said yadda yadda yadda, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. But this time the Queen said: "Now, I will make sure you shall die!"

"ME?!" said the mirror.

"No, not you!" said the Queen. "…But I don't know though…"

The mirror tried to make itself look more dashing but being, once again, an ornate gold frame around a piece of glass, it's capacities were limited. 

The Queen went into a quite secret, lonely room, and played some quite secret, lonely music, with her quite secret, lonely banjo. A very evil sound. Anyway, she made an apple out of two bananas, a plum and an apple (she ate the bananas and threw the plum away [it was over-ripe]). Then she made it so that the outside of the apple looked beautiful and scrumptious and quite edible, while inside she made it evil, unpleasant, and taste really really bad. "At least if it doesn't kill her, she won't enjoy it very much," said the Queen, and was satisfied. 

Then she painted her face and went as a clown in order to be more humorous in this desperate and rather tediously lengthy story. So, she went there, dwarfs gone, offers apple. "No, thanks, I just had one," said Snow White, "besides the dwarfs said not to let any stupid clown in the house." "Oh, dear," said the Queen. "But I'm not a stupid clown. I read Jane Austin." "That's beside the point!" said Snow White.

The Queen thought. Wonders never cease. "Can I offer you a plum then?" said the Queen. "Oh, yes, please," said Snow White, forgetting all that rot about clowns bearing fruit and ate it all in one go. But the plum, of course, was overripe. "Ooooooooooooooooooooohhhhh!!!" screamed Snow White. "It's yucky!!!" "Here," said the Queen, "have an apple to wash down that foul taste," said the Queen. "Okay," said Snow White, and took a bite. "Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrggggghhhhh!" said Snow White, "it's the most delicious thing I've ever -" And then she dropped dead.

"At last! AT LAST!!!! Or it had better bloody be the last time!!!!!" screamed the Queen. So she went home with a satisfied heart and a sore throat. When she got back she rushed to the mirror, and fell flat on her face. "Mirror, mirror on the wall," she asked from the floor. "Is Snow White finally dead… uh, with a ball?"

"Yep," said the mirror. "Hooray!" "Will you marry me?" asked the Queen. "Yep," the mirror replied. "Hooray!" she said and got married to the mirror. They lived as happily together as a Queen and a mirror can, which is not very happily.

Meanwhile, Snow White was still quite dead. Hooray. The dwarfs came home and looked at her. "She's dead," they said, rather obviously. And yet, with her blood red lips, and her black cupboard black hair and her dandruff white skin, she was still beautiful. So they built her a glass topped coffin (with a creamy nougat centre) and every day they would bring popcorn and watch her decompose. The birds came too, first a nightingale, then a raven and finally buzzards, though the dwarfs charged them extra. The dwarfs kept a silent bugle, for use in emergencies.

But it happened however, though, that a Prince entered the forest and went to the dwarfs house to stay the night. As you do. But when he saw the coffin on the mantelpiece, he asked: "Shouldn't that be out on the mountain?" "We stick it up there when it rains," the dwarfs replied. The Prince approached the mantelpiece and observed Snow White's fruity beauty. Then his eye happened to glance upon an envelope behind the clock. He tried to pull it out, but it was wedged beneath the coffin. He pulled and he tugged rather inconsiderately, until he knocked the coffin off the mantelpiece, ripping the envelope in the process. "Now you've done it," said the dwarfs, and went to find a broom. The coffin smashed on the floor, Snow White rolled out, onto the floor, out the door, down the hill and into the forest. "Wait for me!" yelled the Prince, rolling after her. She landed hard on the soft forest floor and the bit of apple in her throat flew out and was eaten by a passing bear, who died, promptly, but peacefully. Except -

"Where am I?" asked Snow White.

"Here with I," replied the Prince, showing his lack of grammar and thus ruining the point we've been building up to.

"Marry me!" said Snow White, cutting to the chase.

"Yes, my sweet," said the Prince, and so they planned to be married, in his bold masculine voice.

And they were to have a great wedding, and inviting all the people in the land. But also, due to a slip-up with the invitations, Snow White's evil murderous stepmother was also invited. Whoops. The mirror wasn't, and sulked for days. When the Queen arrived in her great pink Styrofoam gorgeous dress, and went to marvel at the new husband of Snow White, she thought, "Surely Snow White cannot have found a better husband than mine!" But the prince upon seeing her, called a servant and red hot shoes were placed in front of the Queen, and she was ordered to put them on and dance until she got bored and left.

The End.

This story was co-written by myself and Thomas Firth.


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